By Surya Pillai
April 10, 2025: For the majority of my life, I made it my mission to win people’s acceptance. To keep the peace, I became an expert at saying the right things and acting as though I agreed, even though it meant keeping my actual opinions to myself. My belief was that when I won approval it proved I was on the right path.
I carried an inner exhaustion that went unnoticed by others. Tired of performing. Living to satisfy everyone else’s expectations proved to be more draining than being loyal to myself. I learned the life-changing concept of having the guts to be disliked in order to face dislike.
What Does It Mean to Be “Disliked”?
At first, it sounded harsh. “Who wants to be disliked?” Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga’s ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ popularized this phrase, which does not encourage haughtiness or apathy. The idea symbolizes the inner strength to stay true to oneself in the face of criticism from others.
The philosophy comes from Adlerian psychology, which shows that people are not influenced by their background or what other people think. We are free to choose the course of our lives and determine our own worth.
This concept brought me to a complete halt. To me, it seems possible to live without requiring the approval of others. Even though it could cause others to misinterpret me, I should be allowed to speak my mind.
How I Started Living With Courage
That change did not happen overnight. At first, I realized how often I toned down my opinions, avoided arguments, and edited what I said in order to remain popular. But gradually, I started to change.
I set boundaries, refused things without feeling guilty, and expressed my feelings honestly. It was not all happy. A few people pulled away. All genuine relationships grew stronger as a result of this shift. My greatest achievement turned out to be the process of accepting who I am.
Common Questions (and My Honest Answers)
How can You stop caring what others think?
Start small. Keep track of instances in which your actions stem from a fear of other people’s opinions. You should determine whether your behavior is motivated by a need for approval or fulfillment. Regardless of the discomfort you feel, you should make an effort to accept your own truth.
Isn’t it selfish to stop pleasing others?
Absolutely not. Instead of showing true kindness, the act of pleasing others exposes our fear. Genuine kindness is the result of inner strength and does not necessitate self-sacrifice in order to please others.
What if I lose friends or upset people?
You might. The people who value you will stay with you, and the people who do not will leave. Sincere and meaningful new relationships will come to you on their own.
What Helped Me Most
I found several Adlerian psychological philosophies and personal experiences to be helpful. To start, do not let your work interfere with their duties because you do not have to be accountable for their responses. Your responsibility ends at revealing your genuine truth. Second, since truth is an honest statement, its authenticity can be established without shouting. It is important to communicate honestly while maintaining a calm tone and a clear delivery. Additionally, even if it means losing your popularity, your authenticity will bring you peace. Choose to be authentic rather than trying to win people over.
What I Gained
Accepting this new viewpoint has made my life more clear and self-assured. I no longer obsessively think about text messages or mentally relive my conversations. My speech, behavior, and day-to-day activities all operate from a state of alignment. The sense of liberation I feel surpasses any negative response I receive from others.
Final Thoughts
You can find a way out of the situation, and many people have been in your shoes, feeling stuck while trying to gain approval. To be honest is not an indication of difficult behavior; rather, it is the core principle that supports the courage to be hated. Everything that was not meant for you will eventually fall away as you begin to live authentically and real things and things meant for you begin to come your way. The next time you feel that you must conceal your true self in order to gain acceptance, pause and decide to be brave.
You start to change into a happy person the minute you stop trying to win over everyone.
